We have a coworker (we’ll call her Serena) who does. Not. Shut. Up. I don’t want to be rude, but there’s really no other way to put it. I’ll explain.
She has information, a story, or life experience for EVERYTHING. We haven’t discussed nuclear fission yet, but I’m certain Serena would have done it. Every conversation within earshot, she butts into. She offers advice at every turn, often unsought, and physically can’t stop interjecting something into every conversation. It doesn’t help her voice is loud and carries throughout the entire building.
She also comes across as a know-it-all and tries to explain some of our jobs to us, though she’s new to our industry and each of us are experts in our various fields with years of experience.
It’s exhausting.
Serena’s coworkers (I’m a different department) have brought it up to their manager who says, “I expect people to manage their issues between themselves.” He works off-site so is not subjected to it. For clarity, he didn’t hire her, a previous manager did. The grandboss was also informed, and has done nothing. He “knows it’s an issue, but hopefully she’ll find another position somewhere else.” But Serena is not the type to find another job. She says this is the best job she’s ever had so she’ll stay until retirement. And we’re a long ways away.
Our HR is new and young and knows she won’t get backed up by the manager or grandboss if she were to say something to Serena.
It’s gotten so bad that people are starting to take very late lunches just so they won’t have to be in the same room as Serena. Not that it matters, as her office 20 feet from the break room and she’ll “casually” walk into the break room to fill a glass of water to eavesdrop or come out of her office to join in on a conversation if she hears one that interests her. If we close the doors, she’ll prop them back open so she doesn’t “feel cut off from the break room.”
I legitimately feel bad for her department coworkers. They can’t have work conversations lest she come out of her own office to join in. They can’t escape. At least the rest of us are in separate parts of the building.
One of her coworkers has mentioned that it sounds like her husband isn’t the greatest of supports, and maybe she is trying to create what she lacks at home. If she were neurodivergent we would be sympathetic (many of us are), but when we’ve had conversations about neurodivergence, she’s been quite derisive of these diagnoses (although she has plenty of advice!), so we’re assuming she’s at least never been diagnosed.
We’re at our wits’ end, and our mental health is struggling. Our work is stressful, and the camaraderie that used to make it bearable has all but evaporated.
Other tactics we’ve tried:
• Keeping up pace of conversation so she can’t break into it (she’ll wait for you to take a breath to interject, or she’ll interrupt)
• Giving short answers. But she doesn’t take the hint (not sure if she is unable to recognize hints or just ignores them)
• Going outside for breaks (not feasible in winter and we can’t all be outside)
• Pointedly and silently looking at our phones (she does this too and then starts reading posts out loud to everyone)
• Going as a group to lunches/breaks (she gets louder to dominate the conversation)Is there any way we can help her to help ourselves?
It’s interesting that your list of tactics doesn’t include saying something directly to Serena!
I get why — it feels rude to tell someone you want them to stop talking or to butt out of a conversation. And often hints like the ones you’ve used do work with people. But when the hints fail — and especially when the problem is this severe and you’re this desperate for a solution — the next step has to be to say something directly. For example:
When she interrupts a private conversation:
- “I’d just like to talk to Jane about this, please give us some privacy.”
- “We’re having a private conversation — can you shut the door?”
When she tries to tell you how to do your job:
- “Oh, I’m not looking for input on this.”
- “Let me stop you there — I’ve got this covered.”
- “I don’t need any advice on this.”
When she’s monopolizing a meeting:
- “I’d like to hear from other people.”
- “You’ve been sharing a lot during this meeting, let’s give some airtime to others.”
When she interrupts:
- “Can you please wait for Jane to finish?”
- “I’d like to hear what Jane was saying.”
- “Please don’t talk over me.”
Other situations:
- “I came outside for some quiet — please don’t read things out loud.”
- “It’s distracting to have you standing here while I’m meeting with Jane.”
- If she opens the break room doors so she doesn’t “feel cut off,” close them again and say, “We want them closed for privacy.”
You are going to feel unkind doing that, because we are socialized to use a much softer approach or even not to speak up at all when someone is being rude. But a softer approach doesn’t work with Serena and no one with any authority is willing to intervene, so it’s this or continue to let her drive you all bananas. In the bluntest terms: you need to choose between (a) feeling slightly rude in the moment but having a chance of improving things or (b) nothing changing.
Frankly, I’d argue that as awkward as you might feel setting these boundaries, doing so is a kindness to Serena in the long-term. Right now every dreads having her around; if she changes some of her behavior, she’ll have a much better chance of getting some of the connection she’s presumably looking for. It’s a kindness to clearly state what you want her to do differently.
In fact, if someone is willing to have a big-picture conversation with Serena about the pattern, they’d be doing her a favor.
As for Serena’s boss saying people should “manage their issues between themselves,” are the issues with Serena at the point where they’re affecting people’s work? If so, that’s not an interpersonal issue that people should manage among themselves, and they might try saying, “This is impacting the team’s productivity and we’re at the limits of what we can address ourselves.”
By the way, your grandboss sucks. “Hopefully she’ll quit at some point” is not a management strategy; it’s negligence.
#coworker #talks #nonstop #anymore #Manager
