1. The coffins
An interviewer once asked how long I planned on staying in the role if I got the job, and I said, “Forever. Does Office Depot sell coffins? I could order one because that is how long I will stay.”
That was not a testament to how much I wanted the job or my loyalty to any role, but more to how much I DID NOT WANT to look for another job. I do not know if it counts as a bad interview because I ended up getting the job, but I do think in the future I will not mention WORKING TO MY GRAVE at an interview.
2. The shoplifting
This is making me remember the time that I interviewed for a retail position when I was like 17. The interviewer asked me what I would do in the event of discovering a shoplifter. I proceeded to ramble about how everyone makes mistakes, how I would talk to the person that I saw stealing and ask them about why they were doing this, and the cherry on the disaster sundae was saying, “Not everyone who steals is bad, I have several friends who have shoplifted before!”
I’m full-body cringing just typing that out.
Quite clearly, I didn’t get the job.
3. The honesty
After getting my degree in chemistry, I interviewed for an entry level bench chemist job at a CMO. The manager who interviewed me asked something like, “Since you’re new to the workforce and this will be your first post-graduate role, what’s something that you worry about with that transition?”
My mind went blank (that’s not a question I prepared for!) and I answered with the first though that popped into my head, “I’m afraid I’m going to hate it.” The manager gave me a quizzical look so I started rambling, “Like, I just spent four years earning a degree in a subject that I love, and what if I start this job and it turns out that I hate it? What am I supposed to do then?”
The manager chuckled and said, “That is the most honest answer I have ever gotten for that question” and kept rolling with the interview. I wanted to melt into the chair and disappear forever. However, the manager hired me and I worked there for three years before going to grad school so I guess it all worked out okay.
4. Miller Time
“In the 90s I worked as an HR generalist for an addiction treatment and recovery outpatient center. We were interviewing a peer-to-peer addiction specialist. They’d need some minor credentialing as they’d spend time with our clients in recovery in our sober rec center in the evenings.
He interviewed so well until he asked at the end of the interview if his shift could end 30 minutes earlier than we had scheduled. I asked why, he said “because the beer store closes at 10, and that’s Miller Time for me.” We all just kind of nodded and moved on. When we saw him leave he had a huge 420 bumper sticker on his car.
5. The last name
I scored an interview for a director position at an animal hospital; my experience and skillset fit their criteria so well, it was as if they tailored the job for me!
One of their requirements was that I prepare marketing information on expanding their client base or I pitch ideas on reducing overhead costs, given assumptions I would make regarding a practice their size. Embracing the obnoxious side of my personality, I decided to wow them with ideas on both subjects. I worked days on my proposals, including polishing support docs which both my husband and dog agreed would seal the deal.
Then … I got a haircut, manicure, new pantsuit/shoes/attaché. I am mortified to admit I even bought new underwear, should tragedy strike and they have to conduct my interview in an ambulance. I mulled over getting a colonoscopy, but I didn’t want to over-prepare.
Interview day arrives! I pull into the parking lot exactly nine minutes early, stride through the door, and glide my way to the front desk.
“Good morning,” I practically sing. “I’m here for my 10:00 interview!” [Broad smile, friendly, but not overly so. Needn’t look too eager!]
The attendant smiled back and said she would notify the doctors. Then she said, “Can I get your name?”
I replied, “Stella….” At this very moment, my fatigued brain decided some downtime was well-earned and quite literally, powered off.
The attendant smiled again and said, “Stella…What?”
My head was so unoccupied by thought, all I processed was the sound of my heartbeat and the sweat droplets starting to burst from my pores.
“Excuse me, Stella. What is your last name, please?”
As God is my witness, I hadn’t the slightest clue in that moment what my last name was. Not only that, I could not think of a single last name of anyone I had ever met or heard about. I couldn’t think of a fruit or a vegetable or plant or a mineral. It was just me and my alarming warp-drive heartbeat, which was making me feel like the paramedics would get a chance to appreciate my new underwear after all.
Like the professional I am, I recovered quickly and said, “No last name. Just Stella. LIKE CHER!” [Weak smile. Needn’t look too pitiful!]
Attendant: Blank look.
Me: “Madonna?”
Attendant: Concerned look.
She excused herself and stepped into the back. I was soon escorted to a conference room with four veterinarians, all clearly eager to spend time with an applicant not able to recall their own last name. The interview actually went downhill from there, and I was not chosen for the job.
However, I am proud to assure you that since then, I’ve been able to recite my entire name – when asked – with a success rate of 100%. Why I am not running Apple or Google by now mystifies me.
6. The bubble baths
I was in my early twenties, interviewing with a middle-aged man. He asked me how I dealt with stress. I said I like to take bubble baths. I even talked about adding “lots and lots of bubbles.” I did not get the job. I still cringe thinking about it.
7. The fart
I farted in an interview and we just ignored it. I did get that job.
8. Tim Gunn
I once interviewed for a teaching position and one of the questions was essentially “tell us about a good teacher you had in the past and what you learned from them.” Again, this interview was *for a teaching position*, I absolutely should have been prepared for this kind of question, but every teacher I had ever had just completely flew out of my head. I had nothing. I talked about Tim Gunn on Project Runway. (Somewhat surprisingly I did get moved to the next round of interviews, although I did not get the job.)
9. The candle
Not my story but I had the misfortune of witnessing it firsthand. We had a job candidate giving a job talk at our all-lecturer writing center at a R1. This was during the pandemic so it was over Zoom. This person had 50 minutes to give us a sense of how they would be a good fit as a director for our peer writing center. All 18+ faculty and 6-ish support staff, along with our director and associated director, made space in our schedules to attend this job talk. The person started it off with a “centering moment”/mindfulness thing – which was to project a flickering candle, and we were all to “center” ourselves before the talk.
IT LASTED FOR TEN MINUTES. The guy spent 20% of his job talk making all of us silently stare at a video of a flickering candle.
I spent most of that 10 minutes pinning all of my colleagues horrified faces and trying not to laugh.
10. The intoxication
I was right out of college and interviewing for management consulting positions. They tend to have many interviews and I was talking to a few companies, so I was doing quite a few of them, and probably not giving the process the attention it deserved. Anyway. One night I went out with friends, and the night got a bit out of control … Woke up the next morning still very drunk, went to my interview and did a TERRIBLE job. Surprise, surprise, I didn’t get the job. The interviewer said I wasn’t “structured” enough and that it was “hard to follow my train of thoughts.” Ahem.
11. The crying
I was interviewing for a job right out of college and they asked me how I deal with high stress situations. I said, “Well, first, I cry.”
Did not get the job. Which was great, because I ended up in one at a different institution, and am still there (with a pension) 21 years later!
12. The confidence
When I was a grad student, a candidate came in to give a faculty job talk about their research. They posted a single slide with a bunch of graphs, sat down, put their feet up on the table, and said, “Any questions?”
13. The brain freeze
I was interviewing for network engineer positions. Ya know, “making the internet work” sort of stuff. One interview, after a few general questions, they handed me markers, gestured to the gigantic whiteboard that took up one entire wall floor-to-ceiling and 20 feet long, and said, “Draw the Internet – use the entire board”. My brain FROZE. I had been a network engineer for 10 years at this point, I knew exactly how the internet worked – but my brain just stopped functioning and I had no ideas ready on how to translate my knowledge into a drawing the size of a billboard. After a few very awkward moments of silence, I drew a cloud and wrote “I” in it, and sat down. No one said anything. I said, “I guess we’re done!” and walked out.
14. The enforced will
In an interview I probably should have bombed, but instead got hired from, I was asked how I managed working in a group.
I have a leadership diploma, and do actually do really well in groups, so I talked about building consensus, allowing time for discussion, clear communication, blah blah blah. However, at the time, I was taking extra courses to upgrade my degree and was the only student over 30 doing a group project with a bunch of 17-19 year olds, and really grinding my teeth through that particular process.
When the interviewer asked me after my discussion of positive group work “what would you do if that didn’t work?” some sort of spirit of dictatorship came over me and I said quite strongly, “Then I would enforce my will upon them.”
15. The self-talk
On the way to the interview, I encountered two accidents that tied up traffic badly so I just barely skated in before the interview time despite having left my house plenty early. I asked to use the restroom before we got started, and when I was looking in the mirror I noticed that a huge zit had appeared on my nose. I said to my reflection, “Nobody’s going to hire you looking that, too old, gray hair, an enormous zit, and overweight. You should just turn around and go home now.” I’d been looking for three months after having been laid off and was feeling very defeated in the moment.
At that point, the recruiter popped out of a stall and, to her credit, acted as though she hadn’t heard all that. I was mortified.
Fortunately, I wowed the hiring manager and got the job. But, lordy, I cringed every time I saw her in the hall for the first six months I was there.
16. The mute
I interviewed under the STAR format and was woefully unprepared for it. After the first question, I sat there in silence. The three interviewers returned the silence. After a full minute someone said, “I believe she’s on mute.” I piped up, “Nope!” and the silence resumed.
17. The coding
I was in the final stages of a job I really wanted and they asked for a technical interview, needing to solve coding problems live on a virtual platform. Between knowing I was being watched and judged, the new program, and general anxiety about coding, I panicked. I misunderstood the first question, tried to overcomplicate it, completely blanked on how to write code in a language I’ve used almost daily for 10 years, and in a grand finale, gave up for a few minutes and put my head in my hands trying to calm down, forgetting that I was still live on Zoom and the interviewers could see me. I will be reliving this for a long time but life goes on and I have a better idea of how to prepare for any future interviews like this.
18. Not a narc
The very first time I was interviewing for any job, I was looking to get a retail position at Victoria’s Secret. I was in high school. When the manager asked me what I’d do if I saw another employee stealing, I said I’d confront the employee about it “to find out if she needed money to borrow” but that I wouldn’t tell management because I was “not a narc.” Remarkably, the thing that would earn me respect from my fellow socialist high schoolers didn’t impress the hiring manager and I did not get that job.
Eight YEARS later, I got a notice in the mail that I was entitled to compensation as a part of a class action lawsuit because that branch had engaged in “working interviews,” having us fold bras and such for no pay. It made me laugh when I cashed my check to realize the people who were actually stealing at that job were the people interviewing me, not the hypothetical coworker in the example they gave.
#overheard #selftalk #shoplifting #times #mortified #job #interviews #Manager
