1. Our “neurodiversity awareness panel” was just about dyslexia
I work for a large engineering firm that has an active Equity, Diversity, and Inclusion committee, which recently organized a Neurodiversity Awareness Panel webinar. As someone who was diagnosed with Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD) at a young age and who for various reasons has not disclosed this to my manager or others at my firm, I was very interested to attend. I was somewhat surprised when the panel then turned out to consist of four people with dyslexia.
I don’t mean to minimize the issues people with dyslexia can face in the workplace (some of the panelists spoke very eloquently on this) but I came away from the panel feeling very disheartened. The discussion was very much focussed on “tell everyone! Be proud of who you are!” which is advice that, frankly, just doesn’t apply to everyone who is neurodivergent. The stigmas around dyslexia, though definitely real, are very different than those around ASD. One particularly tone-deaf piece of advice was to disclose your diagnosis in your email signature. My role means I’m regularly contacting people for the first time, both within and outside our company, and I can’t imagine emailing external clients with a line in my signature saying, “By the way, I’m autistic!” as my first impression.
I feel dyslexia is one of the less “spicy” neurodivergences, borne out by the fact that during the discussion several listeners added their thoughts about their experiences with dyslexia, but no one with another condition said anything (I wonder why?). As is often the case, the most socially acceptable neurodivergence seem to be the ones getting the airtime.
How should I handle this? The organizers of the webinar asked for feedback and I want to tell them that this event made me feel more excluded, not less. At the same time, it wasn’t all bad — I was glad the organizers described the phrase “everyone’s a bit autistic” as a microaggression to be avoided, as this phrase does make me pretty cross when I hear it. Still, though, I don’t know how I can raise the topic without disclosing my own diagnosis, and would welcome your thoughts on if this is even a battle I should fight.
Yeah, that’s a panel on dyslexia more than it’s a panel on neurodiversity more broadly, and I can see why you were disappointed; it’s one small and fairly specific piece of the neurodivergent universe.
I’d love for you to give candid feedback about this because your organization clearly needs to hear it, and they’ve requested it. But if you haven’t chosen to disclose your autism at work, I’m hesitant to tell you to do it in service of this.
Is there any avenue for anonymous feedback? I’m not usually a huge fan of anonymous feedback, but it’s actually pretty well suited for something like this.
2. My coworker is stonewalling me
I have a colleague who I cross-collaborate with in a different department. I have supervisory authority within his department but don’t manage him directly. He came to me with a special request for their staff, which I denied because it didn’t make sense for all departments and would have been a logistic nightmare.
After I declined his special request, he moved forward with the request anyway, causing a lot of stress and mistrust across departments. I spoke to my boss and his boss about the issue, and he was reprimanded. He has since decided to stonewall me: sending my calls to voicemail, not responding to my emails, and now walking out of rooms I enter. I attempted to communicate with him, but he refused to acknowledge that I was speaking with him and pretended to be busy. I even said his name and that we needed to have a conversation and he just blinked and continued to type on his computer. I walked away and dropped it.
We still have areas we need to communicate about and collaborate on. I understand this professional relationship cannot be repaired, but how do I move forward and continue to do my job?
Go back to your boss and explain what’s happening. Be specific about the ways in which he’s freezing you out and the effect it’s having on your ability to do your job. Your coworker’s stonewalling is unacceptable; he doesn’t need to like you, but he does need to treat you professionally and not ignore your work requests. But based on his behavior so far, you’re not going to be able to resolve this on your own; someone with authority over him needs to intervene.
3. My friend accused me of getting him fired, but I didn’t
I’m a freelance writer who works for various companies, along with some colleagues who I also consider to be my friends. One of these places has a strict policy against receiving comps in exchange for coverage, which is made clear to contributors like me. There have been instances of people being found out or caught by the company, in ways I’m not entirely aware of. (Supposedly writers are monitored or word gets around and management puts two and two together. It’s also possible that other people rat them out.)
A writer friend of mine was fired from this place because he violated this policy. He sent me a message saying that I was two-faced. At the time, I didn’t respond because I was shocked by it.
I still feel wary around him. My non-work friends say he’s not my friend if he thinks that about me. I reassured him that I had nothing to do with it, but I’m wondering if I should have at the time reached out to the company or asked my friend further about why he thought that.
You definitely shouldn’t contact the company about it since you’re not involved in whatever happened, and this is between them and a different freelancer.
But yeah, if a friend accuses of you of something and you have no idea what they’re talking about, it makes sense to try to clear up that miscommunication … unless the friend has a pattern of that sort of thing and you’re just done investing energy in it. In this case, I’m curious about whether your friend is normally hot-headed/jumps to conclusions without getting all the facts/is quick to blame people for things they didn’t do. If not and this is out of character for him, it makes sense to try to straighten out whatever the confusion is.
Also: if your friend was indeed taking comps in exchange for media coverage, that’s a huge deal and can destroy a publication’s credibility (as you know). If someone reported him for that, it’s awfully un-self-aware for his response to be anger that someone shared it rather than looking at his own actions.
4. I think an employer is blowing me off — should I complain?
On January 2, I went to a job interview. It is an exciting opportunity. It pays about the same as what I am making now, but it is more related to my field of study, so I applied as soon as I saw it.
I felt the interview went well. The three people who interviewed me said they would be in touch within a week or two. They were all friendly and I felt I left a good impression on them.
Two days after the interview, I sent the HR manager a note. I told her it was a pleasure to meet her, I thanked her for the time, and asked what the next step was in the hiring process. She said they would make a hiring decision within two weeks and would get back to me.
After two weeks, I did not hear back from anyone, so I emailed her. I wanted to let her know I was still interested in the position, and asked if she had made a decision yet. She said no, they were still interviewing people, and hadn’t made any decisions yet, but told me to keep in touch. I told her I understand because they mentioned the office is short-staffed.
Last week, I emailed her again. I just asked if she had any updates about the position yet, and again she said no decisions have been made yet and thanked me for keeping in touch.
This week will will be four weeks since the interview, and I am becoming disappointed with how I am being treated by HR. I feel like I am being given the runaround, and the HR manager did not reach out in the timeframe she said she would. I am tempted to send her a polite but firm letter expressing disappointment with her lack of transparency and follow-up in regards to the hiring process.
I am willing to wait another two weeks, but my patience has its limits. I don’t like evasive people. My mother thinks I should just tell the HR manager to shove it, since she clearly didn’t keep her word and follow-up as she said she would. She feels the company is blowing me off by giving non-committal answers. I haven’t sent anything else yet. Do you think I am overreacting, or is the HR manager being irresponsible here?
You’re overreacting, and you should not say anything like this to the HR manager.
Hiring always takes longer than the people involved think it will. Things come up, higher priorities get in the way, decision-makers go out of town, budget issues have to be resolved, someone resigns and the manager needs to think about whether that changes the profile of what they’re hiring for … and on and on. It doesn’t matter how conscientious employers are about trying to provide realistic timelines; it’s really common for things to come up and cause delays. I suggest taking any timeline you’re given, doubling it, and then adding two weeks to that — and even then, don’t be surprised if it takes longer.
The employer isn’t being evasive with you. They’re not being deceptive. It’s just taking longer. They are giving you non-committal answers because that’s all they have right now. Chastising them over that might make you feel better in the moment, but it will make you look like you don’t understand how this stuff works and will probably kill any chances you had there, now or in the future.
This employer knows that you’re interested. If they want to hire you, they will let you know. You do not need to keep contacting them. The best thing you can do is to assume you didn’t get the job for now, put it out of your mind, and let it be a pleasant surprise if it turns out you did. You don’t need to keep following up with them (and the fact that you keep checking back in and are tracking it this closely is almost certainly making you more antsy about it).
Don’t take any more job advice from your mom; she steered you really wrong here.
5. I don’t want to shake hands at work
I’ve been out of the workforce for a few years, and I expect to return soon-ish. In the past, I had no problem shaking hands, but now I’d rather not — partly because I have some joint damage in two fingers (from a mild autoimmune disorder), but mostly because I was seriously ill and immunocompromised during much of the past year. I’m no longer willing to shake hands and expose myself to Covid/other ailments.
I read a February 2020 question on your site, written by “a moderate germaphobe” who didn’t want to shake hands but who didn’t reference Covid, because this was before the world embarked on pandemic precautions. Under those circumstances, you replied that it’s okay for the non-shaker to say warmly to the interviewer(s), etc., “I don’t shake hands, but it’s very nice to meet you.”
My concern is that, because most people don’t fear Covid anymore and perhaps think that no one should — and it’s become a political football rather than a public health matter — my refusing to shake hands will make me seem like some overly cautious weirdo. Will I make a bad impression on interviewers, etc.. if I follow your 2020 advice even though the world is very different now? (I would hope that Covid would have made safety precautions more accepted, but that seems not to be the case.)
Covid is still a good reason not to shake hands, but you’re not wrong that some people may have Opinions about that. I tend to think you’re better off screening out any potential employer who objects to someone taking Covid precautions (what are they going to be like in the next pandemic, or about safety in general?) but I also wouldn’t worry a ton about it — because there are other reasons people don’t shake hands too (hand injury, religious reasons, other medical reasons, etc.).
So yes, this still works: “I don’t shake hands but it’s very nice to meet you.” The key — and this is really important — is to say it very warmly. Go out of your way to put friendliness in your voice, face, and body language so people don’t think you’re being chilly.
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