I was recently diagnosed with multiple sclerosis after a long period of treatment for increasing pain, joint deformation, and immobility.
After the diagnosis, I told my boss, HR, and the team of four that I manage. Since I don’t want this to be seen as weird or embarrassing or something to tiptoe around, I made clear that the diagnosis is not a secret — and when it was evident that I couldn’t move around very well and my cognitive functioning is deteriorating, it couldn’t really be hidden anyway.
HR has been supportive and proactive in searching out coping techniques for me, including my not traveling to gatherings (I work remotely) and looking for processes that will help ameliorate my memory and understanding glitches.
I’m also trying to help manage this through diet, physical therapy, working with my doctor, changing my home layout, etc. The prognosis is scary and I do my best to not let my fear and grief creep into my work interactions. I’m upbeat and matter-of-fact about it as much as possible.
Meanwhile, I have the kindest, most caring friend and co-worker imaginable. She’s on the other side of the country and not part of my team or even my work entity (we are under the umbrella of a much larger organization). She has added me to her prayer chain, which makes me cringe but I know is coming from a place of love so I just ignore it. But now she’s pushing an online naturopath who she says will absolutely heal me, and says that even though he’s really expensive, all my problems will be solved. She even names what she (and he) think the real problem is, and it’s not MS. The guardian angel emails, prayers, etc. are bad enough but don’t cost me anything and makes her feel helpful and heard. This is now in uncomfortable territory.
I am not interested in her suggestions, even though I have an open mind toward naturopaths in general. But I’m broke, don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to work or even be mobile, have no family to support me, and basically have to be super judicious about where I spend any money I have on treatments.
I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to hurt her or make her think I don’t appreciate her concern. A flat “no” would feel so hurtful and dismissive, and my biggest worry is that I might insult the genuine love and compassion that’s behind this. Any advice you can give would be most appreciated!
I’m going to take your word for it that she’s kind and caring because you know her and I don’t … but this behavior is not kind!
It’s hard to believe there are people who still haven’t gotten the memo that it’s rude to push unsolicited medical advice — particularly when it’s contrary to an active treatment plan that person has formed with their doctor. And telling you that what you haven’t isn’t really MS?!? You are a better person than I am for worrying about sounding dismissive after that.
Your coworker can be a generally good person while still having a huge blind spot that’s leading her to behave wildly inappropriately here. You’re being extremely generous about it … but one day she’s going to do this to someone who isn’t going to give her as much grace and it is not going to go well.
In any case, please remember: if she genuinely wants to show you love and compassion, then you will be doing her a favor by letting her know the best way she can show it for you.
The scripts I’d normally suggest for a situation like this are more blunt than it sounds like you want to use. So here are some softer ones:
• “I am handling this with my doctor and feel confident about our plan. The best thing you can do for me is to just be my colleague so work can be a place I don’t need to discuss this.”
• “You’re kind to be concerned, but the best way to support me is to let me manage it privately. I’ve got it covered with my doctor, and it adds to my stress when people outside my treatment team offer advice.”
• “I know you’re worried and I thank you for that, but what I most want is for my work relationships to be a place where I’m not thinking or talking about it. Thank you in advance for understanding.”
If she is coming from a place of genuine caring, as you believe her to be, then she should respect this. If she doesn’t respect it — if she blows by your clear request and pushes her own agenda anyway — then this isn’t about love and compassion, and you should feel freer to set a firm boundary.
#kind #caring #colleague #heal #Manager
